avril speaks the truth

first things first, SS basically told me on saturday that all of the feelings he thought he had for me were a lie. In his words, "i'm so confused about what I was feeling, and I think that means that I never really felt it at all." He then proceeded to call himself a huge asshole, a fuckhead, etc, and apologize several times. To which I said, "sorry but I'm not the one who's going to make you feel better this time. You fucked up." or something like that. I know he is confused and having a hard time, and I tried to be there for him and be supportive, but when someone tells you everything that they said and felt was basicaly a lie, that's something that shouldn't be put up with. So we have had absolutely no contact since then. And honestly, even if he came to me one day and said he is horribly sorry and all he wants is me, I really don't know if I could ever trust anything he says again. Then he had the nerve to text my best friend and tell her that she should take me out because he hurt me really badly. She pried for information, and he told HER that he still really really likes me, he just doesn't know what to do, and that he doesn't understand why, but it has to be this way for now. WTF. that's all i can say.

So saturday night we went out, got extremely drunk, afterpartied with my gay bff til 6am, and a random, kind of scary 40 year old man named Stone wrote me a love letter. Overall, amazing times.

Oh, and another story. There is a very cute boy that works at a local establishment near my house. I won't say exactly what this establishment is, for "security, anonymity purposes." But I go there at least once a day. It's not a sketchy place or anything, haha, swear. So anyway, oddly enough, we sort of became friends. He moved here from across the country, and 6 months ago, his girlfriend moved here too. Anyway, we'll call cute boy GS. So GS and I will hang out and talk while he is at work, sometimes for at least an hour. I will go to leave, and he'll be like, "don't leave, stay and keep me company." So, he is going on a trip back to his hometown to see a band play and his girlfriend can't go because of money purposes. He has told me that she doesn't have any friends here, and maybe we could hang out so she would have a girl to be friends with. So he asked for my number so we could all hang out. He was thinking about meeting us out on saturday. Well they didnt', but he called on Sunday and chit-chatted with me for a while. Well it turns out that on his bus ride to his hometown, he'll be passing through the same city that SS lives in. he said I should go on the bus ride with him until we get to SS's city so we can keep each other company. Hmm. Well anyway, tonight when I was at his work, his girlfriend called and she gave me her myspace url. So I checked it out, and HOLY CRAP. THIS GIRL IS UGLY! Not even a little homely in a cute way, but UGLY. It's disappointed, b/c GS is so adorable and sweet. And his girlfriend is ugly, and apparently a little ghetto too. Huh. Which reminds me of that super annoying new avril levigne song, "Hey hey! You you! I know what your girlfriend looks like, no way! I think you need a new one!" haha. So I guess I have to be GS's girlfriends buddy now, and maybe do a little flirting with him to make him realize I am way cuter than his girlfriend will ever be. (semi-kidding there. hehe)

yeah right, Dr. Phil

So I just subscribed to another month of match.com.

I thought to myself, why am I bothering with SS? He doesnt know if he wants to be with me, plain and simple. He may tell me that if he were settled and knew where he was going to be in 3 months, he would have no doubts. But the truth of the matter is, he doesn't know where he is going to be, and that makes him unsure of us. And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I know what's going to happen. When he comes home at the end of may, he is going to go back to the way things were. He just said to me a few days ago, "I can't wait until i am done with school so I can come home and spend time with you." But after that happens, he probably is going to get a job in Arizona or California, and things are inevitably not going to work out. So why am I bothering? Sounds kind of negative, but it's true.

So back to match. I did this once before and didn't have much luck at all. I met a few cool guys, actually dated one for a very brief period of time, but nothing really important.

This should be interesting.