bad idea

I haven't heard from SS in almost 3 days. While he was in Arizona for his flying thing, he either called or texted me every day. Sunday he texted me and said they were stopping at the grand canyon before they headed back to school. And then.... nothing. I broke down Sunday night and texted him and said something about wanting to make sure they got home safely. (Which was true)... He texted me back and said that they were about 3 hours away. And nothing since then. So last night I did something bad. I sent him this IM.

i shouldn't be doing this. but i miss you. a lot. i can't get you out of my head and it sucks. i wonder how your trip was and if you had fun, and i just miss you. i miss talking to you and laughing with you. and i keep thinking about feeling your arms around me. i really hope that you are doing ok. this is all i'm going to say now, b/c it's not so fun for me. and i really am going to stick to my guns about not calling or texting now, i know i kind of sucked at it before. but i really did try. i want to give you your space if you need it. but it's hard. i wonder if it's hard for you too. i know you are getting down to the wire with school and you are probably really busy. if you want to call or text, i'm more than happy to talk to you. but i've gotta try to stop waiting and checking. its hard. ok, i'm really sorry. i'm just having a hard time with a lot of stuff. and missing you is one of them. ok i'm shutting up now.

I'm horrible at the whole "not caring" business. I mean, he knows that I care. It's no secret. I know that he cares too. But now, I've probably ruined it. But if I act like I don't care, that I'm going on as usual and it's not bothering me, I think that he'll think that I just don't care and he should just forget about it and move on. I"m an idiot. I probably just screwed things up big time with that one instant message. Way to go, me.

hello there strangers

I got a site meter for my blog, and I must say, I'm pretty surprised at the amount of people that come across my little blog each day.

So, if you stop by, drop a comment and say hello!

I also find some of the google searches that people have found me through to be absolutely hilarious.

That's all for now. The lack of things to do this weekend have left me feeling a little down, and extra sad about the boyfriend situation.

{boring}with fried rice

So here I sit, on a Friday Night, watching What Not to Wear and eating chicken with fried rice. Kind of sad, huh? Actually, it's not that bad, although I am pretty bored. My two BFF's are out of town this weekend, and all of my other friends have their kids and/or their significant others' kid(s). Combine that with the fact that my BFF is at a bed&breakfast with her boyfriend for the weekend, and you could say I'm feeling slightly lonely. Could be the fact that my ex, who said less than a month ago that he "wanted to say the L word to me because he loves what we have" has kicked me to the curb. Yeah, that's possibly why!

Maybe I'll IM one of the old guys (not old as in age, by the way) I met from match.com a while back. Ok, done. We'll see if he responds. ha. Just so you know, this is out of sheer boredom. The reason I stopped talking to this guy is because before we even had a chance to meet, he went out and nabbed himself a good old DUI. Yeah, no thanks.

So here's some news about your twenty-something friend here. I quit my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job! Yes, yes I did. I hated it, it made me unhappy, and I just decided that it was not worth the unhappiness. I got a job at a daycare, making 2 dollars less an hour than I was making at my previous job. That's kind of a scary thought. Well, the day after I got the job at the daycare, I got a call from another job that I had applied for. This one is also is very flexible with scheduling, which I need because I am a full time student, AND it pays the same as my previous job. So I was in a bit of a pickle! I'm going to interview with the second job, and if I get it, see if I can arrange the schedules so that I can pull about 15 hours a week at both and see which one works better for me, or possibly just keep both.

Because, well, I need more than $8 an hour. The BFF and I are looking at apartments, and hope to move out by June 1st. Although I can swing it if I decide to stick with the daycare job by itself, it's going to be tough. And although I'd rather be broke as a joke and move out of my parent's house, it would be nice to be able to have some money for things other than rent/utilities. You know, like beer, shoes, and clothes! I think I may need to become a phone sex operator on the side. hehe. :-P

Oh, and a big thanks to dolly for linking me! I read your blog all the time and love it! I'm feelin sorta special right now. So yay for that.

back to square one?

Well, the boyfriend and I have broken up. I guess it's more like he broke up with me. Things were ok once he got back to his school, and he said he missed me a lot and how he wanted me to come visit soon. Then, I could kind of feel him start to distance himself. Like when I told him I missed him, he would say things like, "I'm not worth missing." I could just tell that he was really stressed and depressed. I know that he is going through a lot with not knowing where he was going to get a job when he graduates, and just his life changing a lot in the next couple of months. So I started to back off a little bit, but as soon as I did, he would come on strong again. And then I got this instant message. (i'm going to condense it, by the way)

SS: I dunno, I don't know what I'm doing with my life... I'm just making stupid decisions and going along with what's good at the moment...
I'm questioning everything these days...
I just dont' want to make you upset....
I just know that I'm not who I appear to be sometimes. I can be a jerk and an asshole.
Me: I don't understand why you say that. I don't think you are a jerk or an asshole.
SS: Cause you barely know me.
Me: I barely know you? Ok... I'm trying...
SS: I'm not saying you're not trying, you're doing so much more for this relationship than I am...which is really making me feel horrible. I can't commit like I wish I would. It's hard to explain, I just am not putting my whole heart into it, and it makes me sad. I'm an asshole.
I'm not putting any effort into any part of my life right now and I know it. It's the worst realization. I feel like I cant' do anything.

So for the next week or so, things were fine. And then he sends my best friend (we'll call her BFF, creative, I know) a text message slightly freaking out about where his job is going to be and how i feel about all of it. She texted him back and said something along the lines of, "she doesnt' expect you to come home, she's just going with it all, why don't you talk to her." So she called and told me about it, and I sent him an IM that said, "I heard you sent BFF a text, maybe we should talk. Give me a call when you get a chance." Well he called a little while later, and we had a long talk. I told him I knew that he was depressed, and I went through the same thing a few years ago.... Not being able to get out of bed, missing class all of the time, feeling like I couldn't do anything right, the only thing I ever got out of bed to do was to go out with my friends and get drunk. I told him that I went to a therapist for a while, got on a schedule, and now I am fine. He said he knows that he needs to talk to someone and get out of the rut that he is in, but he just doesnt' have the time to do it. So basically here is a rundown of his reasoning and what was said:

-he needs to concentrate on himself to get out of the bad place that he is in mentally right now
-i was influencing his decision about which job/city he was making his first choice. (basically, even though I knew the whole time that he may not come home and might get a job somewhere really far away like california, and i never said anything about him coming back home for me, he felt like just being together was making him make our hometown his first choice even though it might not be. In my defense, i told him that i never said anything about where he was going to be, and I was always understanding about the situation. But, he even showed me the apartments he wanted to live in when he came home, etc.)
-he feels like he is "relationship dependent"
-we moved way too fast
-if he knew where he was going to be in a few months and was happy with himself, he wouldn't have a single doubt about us. (gee, thanks)

After he said all of this, and that we needed to "break up, no take a break, no break up, no take a break" he said that he still wanted me to be part of his life, he still wanted to talk to me, and that i'm so important to him and he doesn't want to lose me. Then he said, "I think I'm making a huge mistake. I really need to sleep on this and talk to you tomorrow." So then tomorrow came and he stuck to his decision to break up. I told him that if he still wanted to talk to me, he can call me or text me, but I'm not the one that's going to be doing any of the calling and texting. I just can't hang on to this for another 2, 3, 4 months and then have him decide that he doesn't want to be with me if he's here, or he doesnt' want to do a long distance relationship. I have to protect myself. So yeah, he's still calling and texting. It makes me happy that he is still thinking about me, but at the same time, it makes me sad that he still wants to talk to me all the time but doesn't want to be with me.

It's all a little frustrating, because he freaked out once, before we were supposed to go meet halfway and spend the day/night together, and I gave him his space, and it lasted two days before he was calling and apologizing and changed his mind. And the first night that we spent together when he came home, he told me how sure about us he was and how he didn't have any doubts. He told his dad about me, I met his cousin and he introduced me as his girlfriend. It's just confusing.

So I guess for now, I don't wait. That'll be hard.

lovely

My boyfriend came into town for Easter break on Wednesday! I have to say, I was slightly nervous because we hadn't seen each other since New Year's Eve. But it was amazing. He got in on Wednesday and we went out for drinks and we stayed together that first night. Honestly, all we did pretty much the entire 5 days that he was home was drink wine, go out with friends, sleep and have sex. Oh, did I mention that he gave me my first orgasm??? that's right, 24 years old and had never had one. So wow. I told him that he should be pretty damn proud, because none of my ex boyfriends had ever been able to do it. After the first time we had sex, he asked me if I had an orgasm, and I told him no that I couldn't. He just laughed at me and said, oh yeah you can. I'll show you. And the next time-bam! So that was just lovely! So we had an absolutely wonderful time. He is so sweet and caring and constantly aware of me. It was so nice to cuddle up with him every night and wake up wrapped up in him every morning. And when he looked at me and said, "mornin beautiful" my heart literally turned to mush!

But now he is gone and I probably won't get to see him for 5 weeks :-( And that is hard.