bad idea

I haven't heard from SS in almost 3 days. While he was in Arizona for his flying thing, he either called or texted me every day. Sunday he texted me and said they were stopping at the grand canyon before they headed back to school. And then.... nothing. I broke down Sunday night and texted him and said something about wanting to make sure they got home safely. (Which was true)... He texted me back and said that they were about 3 hours away. And nothing since then. So last night I did something bad. I sent him this IM.

i shouldn't be doing this. but i miss you. a lot. i can't get you out of my head and it sucks. i wonder how your trip was and if you had fun, and i just miss you. i miss talking to you and laughing with you. and i keep thinking about feeling your arms around me. i really hope that you are doing ok. this is all i'm going to say now, b/c it's not so fun for me. and i really am going to stick to my guns about not calling or texting now, i know i kind of sucked at it before. but i really did try. i want to give you your space if you need it. but it's hard. i wonder if it's hard for you too. i know you are getting down to the wire with school and you are probably really busy. if you want to call or text, i'm more than happy to talk to you. but i've gotta try to stop waiting and checking. its hard. ok, i'm really sorry. i'm just having a hard time with a lot of stuff. and missing you is one of them. ok i'm shutting up now.

I'm horrible at the whole "not caring" business. I mean, he knows that I care. It's no secret. I know that he cares too. But now, I've probably ruined it. But if I act like I don't care, that I'm going on as usual and it's not bothering me, I think that he'll think that I just don't care and he should just forget about it and move on. I"m an idiot. I probably just screwed things up big time with that one instant message. Way to go, me.