back to square one?

Well, the boyfriend and I have broken up. I guess it's more like he broke up with me. Things were ok once he got back to his school, and he said he missed me a lot and how he wanted me to come visit soon. Then, I could kind of feel him start to distance himself. Like when I told him I missed him, he would say things like, "I'm not worth missing." I could just tell that he was really stressed and depressed. I know that he is going through a lot with not knowing where he was going to get a job when he graduates, and just his life changing a lot in the next couple of months. So I started to back off a little bit, but as soon as I did, he would come on strong again. And then I got this instant message. (i'm going to condense it, by the way)

SS: I dunno, I don't know what I'm doing with my life... I'm just making stupid decisions and going along with what's good at the moment...
I'm questioning everything these days...
I just dont' want to make you upset....
I just know that I'm not who I appear to be sometimes. I can be a jerk and an asshole.
Me: I don't understand why you say that. I don't think you are a jerk or an asshole.
SS: Cause you barely know me.
Me: I barely know you? Ok... I'm trying...
SS: I'm not saying you're not trying, you're doing so much more for this relationship than I am...which is really making me feel horrible. I can't commit like I wish I would. It's hard to explain, I just am not putting my whole heart into it, and it makes me sad. I'm an asshole.
I'm not putting any effort into any part of my life right now and I know it. It's the worst realization. I feel like I cant' do anything.

So for the next week or so, things were fine. And then he sends my best friend (we'll call her BFF, creative, I know) a text message slightly freaking out about where his job is going to be and how i feel about all of it. She texted him back and said something along the lines of, "she doesnt' expect you to come home, she's just going with it all, why don't you talk to her." So she called and told me about it, and I sent him an IM that said, "I heard you sent BFF a text, maybe we should talk. Give me a call when you get a chance." Well he called a little while later, and we had a long talk. I told him I knew that he was depressed, and I went through the same thing a few years ago.... Not being able to get out of bed, missing class all of the time, feeling like I couldn't do anything right, the only thing I ever got out of bed to do was to go out with my friends and get drunk. I told him that I went to a therapist for a while, got on a schedule, and now I am fine. He said he knows that he needs to talk to someone and get out of the rut that he is in, but he just doesnt' have the time to do it. So basically here is a rundown of his reasoning and what was said:

-he needs to concentrate on himself to get out of the bad place that he is in mentally right now
-i was influencing his decision about which job/city he was making his first choice. (basically, even though I knew the whole time that he may not come home and might get a job somewhere really far away like california, and i never said anything about him coming back home for me, he felt like just being together was making him make our hometown his first choice even though it might not be. In my defense, i told him that i never said anything about where he was going to be, and I was always understanding about the situation. But, he even showed me the apartments he wanted to live in when he came home, etc.)
-he feels like he is "relationship dependent"
-we moved way too fast
-if he knew where he was going to be in a few months and was happy with himself, he wouldn't have a single doubt about us. (gee, thanks)

After he said all of this, and that we needed to "break up, no take a break, no break up, no take a break" he said that he still wanted me to be part of his life, he still wanted to talk to me, and that i'm so important to him and he doesn't want to lose me. Then he said, "I think I'm making a huge mistake. I really need to sleep on this and talk to you tomorrow." So then tomorrow came and he stuck to his decision to break up. I told him that if he still wanted to talk to me, he can call me or text me, but I'm not the one that's going to be doing any of the calling and texting. I just can't hang on to this for another 2, 3, 4 months and then have him decide that he doesn't want to be with me if he's here, or he doesnt' want to do a long distance relationship. I have to protect myself. So yeah, he's still calling and texting. It makes me happy that he is still thinking about me, but at the same time, it makes me sad that he still wants to talk to me all the time but doesn't want to be with me.

It's all a little frustrating, because he freaked out once, before we were supposed to go meet halfway and spend the day/night together, and I gave him his space, and it lasted two days before he was calling and apologizing and changed his mind. And the first night that we spent together when he came home, he told me how sure about us he was and how he didn't have any doubts. He told his dad about me, I met his cousin and he introduced me as his girlfriend. It's just confusing.

So I guess for now, I don't wait. That'll be hard.